Deep Thoughts about a Shallow Bumpersticker

Allegedly deep, anyway, and definitely thoughts.

A personal quirk: I analyze bumperstickers. I take the slogan, whatever it is, and bash it around with the club of common sense. Usually they don't hold up very well. (Of course, you might say I overanalyze bumperstickers--after all, they aren't political manifestos. To which I respond: "Absolutely. They aren't political manifestos. But if you've got ten to twenty words to state your opinion on something, shouldn't you choose a slogan that isn't manifestly absurd?" Perhaps that explains why my car has no bumperstickers.) So, here's the bumpersticker I saw:

My reflections, in no particular order--

1. Let's do a little thought experiment, shall we? It's December 7, 1941, and Pearl Harbor just got bombed by the Japanese. Who do we send to push back the aggression of Hirohito's Shintofascist war machine: the 4th grade class of William McKinley Elementary School or the U.S. military, with its shiny expensive bombers? Yeah, I picked the bombers too.

2. But wait: tilt the slogan and look at from a different angle: "It will be a great day when..." So, when would that day be, exactly? I only see two options: A) the day when war and the people who start wars no longer exist, or B) the day when a regime assumes power that PRETENDS war and the people who start wars no longer exist. Which leads to two related thoughts:

2.A. If we assume option A, then I totally agree with the sentiment: I would like a world without war. That would be cool, never having to worry about some nutcase with megalomania and a gun-wielding posse deciding he wants to be the next Caesar. So, how do we get there? This bumpersticker isn't giving answers to THAT question. In fact, it seems to be framing the question in such a way as to make the expensive bombers the PROBLEM, not a deterrent and painful solution. But, at the risk of sounding like a bumpersticker myself, bombers don't kill people: people kill people. Wars happen because someone WANTS to pull the trigger. Someone has the WILL to impose their desires by force, to harm others to achieve their goals. In other words, take away the bombers, and you'll still have people with bombs in their minds. How do we fix that, Mr. Bumpersticker? In short, how do we eradicate human evil? My short answer: WE CAN'T. It is impossible, because we are not outside the problem, trying to solve it: WE ARE THE PROBLEM. Now, Luke didn't want to believe he had anything in common with Vader, and Frodo refused to accept that Gollum was once just a hobbit, but nonetheless it was true. Gollum's inside us; Vader's inside us; Hitler's inside us; Dahmer's inside us; "I am a man," answered Father Brown gravely, "and therefore have all devils in my heart." Will increased school funding cull the devils from our hearts? Manifestly not: educated people are evil too, they just tend to be more subtle about it. So, in short, if this is what the bumpersticker means--"it will be a great day when we enjoy the logical aftermath of the elimination of war"--then it is the logical equivalent of a bumpersticker that says, "It will be a great day when nobody gets sick or injured anymore and doctors beg on the street corners." In short, it is a wistful, impossibly utopian daydream, masquerading as meaningful social commentary.

2.B. Now let's assume option B: "It will be a great day when a regime assumes power that PRETENDS war and the people who start wars no longer exist." What if war and warmongers are still there, but we refuse to play their game? Take all that shiny bomber money and buy playground equipment, which the bumpersticker seems to think is what schools really need. Cool! (Except that many schools don't even have recess anymore: too busy prepping for their standardized tests. Besides, look at that thing: a 12-foot ball of pipe, like some sort of kiddie Thunderdome. Accident waiting to happen, in my opinion. Like any school today is going to purchase THAT deathtrap in this sue-happy era!) There's only one problem with that: putting your head under the covers and ignoring the monsters only works with PRETEND monsters. The pedophile who lives under the bed is still there. (True Story!) There was this movie in 1970: Suppose They Gave a War and Nobody Came? It's a fine idea 'til you test it in real life. Let's try the title's domestic equivalent: Suppose They Gave a Child Custody Hearing and Nobody Came? Doesn't usually happen that way, does it? The one who cares about the outcome shows up for the hearing, and the one who doesn't loses by default. A war is like that, only more so: it may take two to make a fight, but it only takes one to make a conquest. And you can't appeal a boot on your throat in court. So whenever the dictator of East Slobovia decides NOW is the time to bring the world to his heel, it's incumbent upon all interested parties to show up for the war or else learn the Slobovian National Anthem toot sweet. (Sure, some wars start because of silly, trivial issues. However, if the other fellow is pointing a gun at me because he doesn't like my hair, do I then refrain from pulling mine because his motive is trivial? As soon as someone pulls a gun, the gun is now the issue.)

So, what if there was a regime whose policy was to ignore the possibility of war and spend the tax revenue on social programs exclusively? Given the above discussion, such a regime would be worse than useless: it would be downright dangerous. If it's futile to daydream about impossible utopias ("I wish no-one ever got hit by a bus!"), it's hazardous to act as if those daydreams were, if fact, true ("I shall live as if no-one ever gets hit by a bus!"). Not only does this policy not defend you from war, it invites it, since it gives the dictator of Slobovia the notion that he can roll out his little war machine unopposed--so he does. (Thus World War II. Hitler pushed into Czechoslovakia, and nobody twitched--so he kept pushing.) This recalls to mind the words of that sage, Jack Handey: "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." Precisely because there will ALWAYS be someone who thinks like Jack Handey, it is better to take the advice of Vegetius than Einstein.

So, my verdict on the bumperstick: it's either a pointless daydream or suicidal foreign policy. Pick one. Of course, this bumpersticker is of the same breed as the inane "Visualize World Peace" stickers, so maybe it's both!

(And I didn't even talk about the public school system as a recklessly inefficient government bureaucracy... Another rant for another day. Or not.)